Nighttime Hosts Lampoon Trump's Latest 'Gold Card' Residency Scheme
Late-night's leading hosts used their evening criticizing ex-President Donald Trump's recently unveiled visa initiative, dubbed the "gold card," describing it as a obvious cash-for-residency scheme for the affluent.
The Late Show's Sarcastic Analysis
Starting his program, Stephen Colbert delivered a mock Christmas song directed at the president. "He's compiling a list, reviewing it twice, before giving that list to the people at ICE," he crooned. "Donald Trump ... ruins all he touches."
The subject was the controversial initiative that enables foreign nationals to purchase U.S. residence for an investment of a million dollars, with a "platinum" option for $5 million. The program's page pledges approval "in record time."
"A brief thought for you to wealthy foreigners: prior to you pony up, what about Canada?" Colbert remarked.
He pointed out that the scheme is also meant to "extract cash" from businesses wanting to hire foreign workers, with significant payments. "That's a lot of fees, however if you sign up, you also get a complimentary stay at a property of your choosing – as long as it's the Tampa Marriott Bonvoy," he continued.
"The best vetting the government has before done," remarked Commerce Secretary Howard Lutnick, "that $15,000 vetting to ensure these individuals truly meet the standard to be in America."
"That's important, you have to prove you're qualified to be an American," Colbert said dryly. "First question: how many burgers would you eat for a free T-shirt?"
Jimmy Kimmel's Humorous Roast
On his own program, Jimmy Kimmel dubbed the initiative the "U.S. Access Express Card."
"Here's a card that will allow wealthy international individuals to live here," he stated. "In exchange for a million bucks, you get official resident status, you get a pathway to citizenship, and a president's pardon for one significant crime of your selection."
"It might be time to revise that poem on the Statue of Liberty – to hell with your huddled masses. Pay a million bucks, you're in!" he added.
Kimmel mocked the simplicity of the application, observing it is "more difficult to start a Wordle account." He said that Trump "thinks citizenship is something you can sell, like a steak."
"That's right, the best people are the rich people," Kimmel quipped. "That's what Jesus always said! Read it in the Bible. He says it's simpler for a camel to go through the eye of a needle if you give the needle a million dollars."
Seth Meyers on Affordability Struggles
Elsewhere, Seth Meyers turned to Trump's slipping poll numbers during financial anxiety. "The public gave Donald Trump a another term because they were angry about the economy," he said.
Recently, in a attempt to discuss prices, Trump conducted a briefing in front of a display of food items, and reacted strangely to some cereal.
"These look great, I think I'm going to take a few of them back to my cottage and have a lot of fun," Trump said. "Such as the Cheerios, I haven't had Cheerios in a ages."
"He's so extremely weird," Meyers reacted. "Like, you're going to take them home to your cottage to have a lot of fun with them? What are you gonna do with those Cheerios?"
Meyers concluded by criticizing conservative news coverage of Trump's financial record. "Perhaps rather than voicing concerns, you should give him a shiny trophy similar to what FIFA did," he remarked.
