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As a woman in my late thirties, I’ve long felt that courtesy is essential, which includes apologizing when I think I’ve made a mistake. Even with a happy life, I’ve battled very little self-assurance. This mix of wanting to respect others and doubting myself has turned me into someone who says sorry often. Many times, it happens so automatically that I’m barely noticing of it. It originates in anxiety and has impacted both my private and professional life. It annoys my family and friends and workmates, and then I get frustrated when they mention it—which only increases my anxiety.

Speaking in Public and Inquiring

This constant saying sorry is especially troubling when it comes to speaking to others or asking questions in front of people. I try to write everything down to stay focused and avoid anxious tangents, but even that doesn’t work most of the time. As an early-career academic in political science, speaking assuredly is crucial. I’ve attempted to tackle this through gradual exposure, such as leading sessions and pushing myself to ask questions at community gatherings, despite experiencing embarrassments from senior male academics. I’ve also tried waiting before speaking to become more conscious of when I’m apologizing, but this is effective at first before I revert to old habits.

Personal Peace

I doubt I’ll ever totally accept myself, and I’ve come to terms with that. I still appreciate life and find it fulfilling. My main goal is to curb the overuse of apologies. I’ve heard that therapy might assist me, but I ask how it can help in practice.

Apologizing is a useful skill, but it must be used appropriately. Too infrequent or too much, and you place a load on others.

Finding the Source

A psychotherapist might explore where this compulsion comes from. Inquiries such as, “How early were you when this started?” or “Was it internally driven or inherited from someone close to you?” Sometimes, youthful habits that once benefited us become unhelpful in adulthood.

In fact, some of your current behaviors could be seen as holding yourself back. You realize it annoys those around you, yet you continue it.

How Therapy Can Help

When asked what therapy could do, one approach focuses on staying present rather than doing. Much of helpful sessions is about self-awareness, not just addressing problems. A experienced counselor will kindly probe you, offering a secure environment to consider and embrace who you are.

Instead of facing fears head-on, a interpersonal focus with a humanist therapist might be more helpful. This can help you come back to yourself and examine how you view, ignore, and undermine yourself. It can assist in catching self-criticism, breaking it, and finding more gentle ways to see things. Your confidence can improve from there.

Practical Steps

Changing ingrained patterns is hard, especially in stressful moments when apologizing feels like a knee-jerk reaction. But you can start by considering on how saying sorry serves you and what it would be like to hold back. Often, it’s an try to avoid discomfort or vulnerability, by acknowledging perceived flaws before others do. This can create a loop of annoyance and nervousness.

Even processing later can be useful. Try taking a breath before responding, or use a stock phrase instead of “I’m sorry.” For example, saying “I see” can make others feel heard without you taking blame.

This approach will take persistence, but recognizing there’s an issue is a crucial first step toward improvement.